Holiday Madness

The chaos of the holidays is nearly upon us. We’ll spend Thanksgiving with my family, as we usually do. Stuffing, potatoes, and lots and lots and lots of pie. And probably a turkey, too, LOL (who cares about the turkeywhen there is PIE??). My family is far more hedonistic than my husband’s, so it makes sense to celebrate a holiday that is all about food and drink with my parents and siblings and nieces and nephews. Yum!

Christmas always poses more of a dilemma for me. We’re all atheists – me, my husband, and my extended family, I mean. My husband’s family is also not religious. I’m not sure that his mom would call herself an atheist, but she does not practice any religion and does not talk at all about faith. My father-in-law is an atheist.

But yes, we do celebrate a secular Christmas. Efforts to give our celebration a more secular name have been unsuccessful. Saturnalia and the Winter Solstice just don’t have the same ring as Christmas, which sounds so magical and mystical. Plus, it makes sense to celebrate on the 25th. For most of us, the winter solstice is a work day. Taking the day off just wouldn’t be the same. There is something about Christmas day that is special. The whirring and buzzing of our culture just seems to settle down, and it is quiet and hushed and sparkly, and the day just has a wonderful feel to it, IMHO.

Before we had children, my husband and I would spend Christmas Eve with his family. Then, we’d open gifts at our house (just a few) on Christmas day and then head to his parents’ again in the morning. We’d open gifts there (a lot more than a few) and then head to my parents’ house in the afternoon. We had a gift exchange with my siblings based on names we had drawn several weeks earlier. We’d hang out at my parents’ until late in the evening.

Having little children has changed the scenario quite a bit. Now Christmas at our house is about the gifts for the little ones that are under the tree. Heading first to one grandparents house and then the other means bundling up to go out and spend the day zipping around with cranky, tired kids who haven’t eaten a decent meal in their excitement.

At this point, we’ve ended the gift exchange that we used to do with my siblings. It was easy when we were all younger. But now the seven of us are 21, 23, 24, 27, 31, 34, and 39. Every year, we just exchanged predictable CDs and books and DVDs. There were a few highlights over the years because someone found a particularly clever or fun gift. But it got to the point that most of the time, we struggled with what to buy each other and we worried about disappointing each other. And I guess it bothered me to treat getting or giving a CD as the pinnacle of the holiday. The time and money spent shopping were a nuisance, but the real issue, it seemed to me, was that the exchange of stuff just didn’t seem all that special a way to mark the day. Quite the opposite in fact – it seemed kind of like a cheapening of the day, and I wanted something more real, more genuine, more connected. And yet we’re still struggling a bit to figure out what that should be. One year we collected gifts for donation. But I think we would like to make the time that we spend together something special – something worth anticipating. We’ve been batting around some ideas, but are not sure what we’ll do yet.

Part of the challenge is the timing. Even with our little ones, we are expected to do both Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my husband’s family. His family spends Christmas Eve with family friends, and it’s all very nice, but going home only to get up and drive there again the next morning is a bit much. It makes the holiday feel very rushed, especially since we head to my parents’ house in the afternoon.

Every year I propose that we limit our visit to his parents’ house to either Christmas Eve or Christmas morning, but not both. Every year, we end up doing both anyway. The holiday seems so much more important to his mom than it is to me that it doesn’t seem worth disappointing her. I could put my foot down, but she really would be devastated, and I just don't think I care that much.

More than that, it seems silly to say that the REAL meaning of the holiday is spending special time with loved ones when you opt instead to sit at home on your pile of new presents. While a part of me kind of wants a quiet Christmas at home, I like that my kids get to see their grandparents and cousins on Christmas day. The grandparents’ house is the best place for the kids to get together; I don’t want the mess and chaos at our house. So in some ways, I really enjoy spending Christmas day visiting family. The four of us spend a lot of time together, so reserving Christmas day for "just us" at home doesn't seem all that special.

I just wish there was a way to slow the pace a bit so that everyone didn’t end up feeling so worn out from a day of running all over the place.

Pipsqueak Tidbits

The pipsqueak -

will not keep his socks on.

is obsessed with froot loops and mini m&ms.

says "stuck!" all the time -- definitely a very useful word to describe one's own predicament, or the position of a toy, or the position of the froot loop box on top of the fridge.

says "nurse! nurse!" while he pinches mama's ta tas.

loves Pat the Bunny, especially the page with the mirror.

loves the hot tub.

kisses his baby doll -- and then throws it over the side of his crib.

thinks all animals "woof woof."

is finally losing that new baby smell.

No-Sleep Pipsqueak

When I first went back to work, when the pipsqueak was 5 months old, he loved his crib. He would happily snuggle in for his naps, even when I placed him in the crib fully awake. And though he slept with me at night, I’d place him gently in the crib when I got up at 5 a.m. for work, and he’d sleep on his own until 8 a.m. or later.

Now, however, he regards the crib as an instrument of torture. When he stopped sleeping in it and began to cry like someone was ripping off his toenails every time I put him in it, I didn’t want to force the issue. He seemed genuinely scared and lonely, and I figured it would pass. So instead of letting him cry, which I am not comfortable with, we accommodated him. He slept in his car seat and his swing. Sometimes, he nursed to sleep and then snoozed on my lap. And in recent weeks, his papa has curled up with him at naptime, and while papa reads or snoozes, the pipsqueak sleeps happily.

But I have worried that he’s not getting the sleep he needs. Papa is only around to indulge him on weekends; I can’t snuggle with him when I am home alone with the boys because that leaves the restless squeaker roaming the house, unattended. While the squeaker will be patient for a time, reading books or coloring, he eventually looks for me and interrupts the nap. Even the swing and car seat aren’t working well now. The pipsqueak seems to wake after half an hour or so.

In recent weeks, day after day seems to end with the pipsqueak having had virtually no daytime sleep. He sleeps well enough at night – usually for 11 or 12 hours – but some days, he does no napping at all during the day. I’m feeling kind of anxious about it because sleep is supposed to be so essential for brain development. I secretly worry that autism or other mental illnesses could result from infant sleep deprivation. I know this sounds overanxious, but he is clearly very tired and I can’t help but to worry about dire consequences. I’ve increasingly come to the conclusion that I need to do SOMETHING to end this cycle of sleep deprivation, because I’m so afraid it could be harmful to him.

So in the last few days, I’ve been trying a new technique. I’ve been putting him in his crib twice a day at what should be his naptime. Then I sit there with a book, sometimes patting or rubbing him while he crawls around in the crib. At first he wailed and wailed, with his cries punctuated by a mournful “mama, mama.” I wanted to pick him up and cuddle him, but because I am so anxious for him to sleep on his own, I resisted. Eventually, he began to entertain himself. He crawled over to the mirror and made silly faces while giggling madly. He pitched his toys and blankets onto the floor. And he played with his busy box.

Periodically, he crawled over to me and reached through the bars to pat me. He also covered his head with his blanket (before he pitched it out of the crib) and would then pull it down, waiting for me to say “Peek!” It was hard to ignore him.

Eventually, he became very sleepy. While he was sitting up, his head began to droop towards his knees, and his little eyes were closed. He was falling asleep sitting up. But then he’d tip either forwards or backwards and wake suddenly, and sometimes the waking would frighten him, particularly if he tipped backwards. He fell asleep like this maybe 6 times. If I tried to gently ease him down on his side, stomach, or back, he’d wake and cry, clinging to my arm.

And that is all I have accomplished with the effort. So far, no luck. No sleeping. Just a very tired baby. I don't know if I should keep trying or not. I've only tried for two days, which isn't very long. My mom and sister say just put him in the crib, leave the room, and let him cry! But he cries until he chokes and sputters, and it sounds like he's going to vomit. I am just not comfortable leaving him to feel so sad and lonely. But I also feel that he really, really needs some sleep, so I am not sure what to do.